Delightful Emails: A VERY Special, VERY Time-Limited Offer For The Discerning Reader Who Doesn’t Want To Sit Through A Webinar Before Making A Buying Decision

from Matthew Kimberley,
creator of Delightful Emails and author of Get A F*cking Grip and CEO of Book Yourself Solid® Worldwide

NOTE

Traditionally, Delightful Emails – possibly the world’s most effective protocol for sending emails that people want to read, reply to and buy from – was only available to purchase after registering for – and participating in – a live workshop.

(Also known as a “sales webinar”.)

And although it was fun and, yes, delightful, I got plenty of feedback from buyers like me … the kind of people for whom the crapshoot of a 90 minute webinar is a risk that isn’t always worth it … who wanted to buy without the barriers.

So this page is for you.

It’s a risky decision on my part, asking you to spend hundreds of dollars on the back of reading a single page.

But you’re smart, and grown-up enough to make your own decision … and you may well have been sent here by a friend.

So be quick, jump on board and don’t forget your satisfaction guarantee. You’ll enjoy this immensely …

If you have any questions at any point, before Sunday, feel free to email me: support AT matthewkimberley.com

Email is the greatest wasted opportunity in marketing for many business owners.

Maybe for you, too?

Your Instagram feed is on point. Your visual branding is SWEEEET … but your emails? Not so much.

For something that promises such great results … sending effective emails easily is something that’s really difficult to get right.

You KNOW all the selling points of doing email right. You understand its potential. But it’s never quite FLOWED like it should for you, perhaps?

I get it. My clients all tell me the same thing:

• It’s difficult to get the words on the page.
• It’s difficult to hit send.
• It’s difficult to get your readers to engage, or reply, or click, or buy.

Which is a huge shame.

It’s a shame because you don’t need to be educated on the value of a responsive and well-trained database of email subscribers.

After all, how many times have you heard that “the money is in the list?”

Since the day you started your online business, you’ve made a concerted effort to be in charge of your own platform and not rely too heavily on “borrowed media” like Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest.

Sure, those places might give us love and affirmation and reinforcement and the adrenaline rush that goes with double taps and likes and follows …

… but we’re on shaky ground if we concentrate all our efforts there, operating in an environment that changes weekly, where we risk having our accounts deactivated from one day to the next, and where we’re entirely subject to the whims of of the algorithm.

Email is the answer to that particular problem.

And in principle, it’s a flawless answer.

In fact, there’s no better way to generate interest, sales and adoring relationships with the people most likely to buy from you than email.

At least in theory …

But, in practice, when it comes to extracting the money from the list, you end up all bent and compromised.

You’re just not getting the results that you want, and it feels like too much work.

Either you’re “hitting them” too hard, and coming across as borderline psychotic, talking in ALL CAPS and with urgency and scarcity and words like THE GREATEST OFFER EVER!! to your copy …

(which even you don’t believe but that affiliate contest prize looks so juicy, right?)

… or you pre-emptively apologize for having the audacity to show up in their inbox and try to win them over with your “authenticity” and “vulnerability” and humanity and end up coming off as a lily-livered sop, afraid of your own shadow.

You often don’t know WHAT to write. You don’t know HOW MUCH to write. And we’re never certain about how frequently to write.

Once a week feels too impersonal. Any more feels like you’re overstaying your welcome. Any less and you’re afraid you’ll be forgotten.

You’ve studied subject lines and scientific examinations of open rates and best time-of-the-day to hit send. Theoretically you’re all good with the principles of email marketing.

Theoretically we’re ALL all good with the principles of email marketing.

So why is it so damn difficult?

Does this sound familiar?

Your emails don’t sound like you.

They’re dull or they’re aggressive. They’re ineffective at worst and “lucky” at best. You don’t have structure for creating and writing and you don’t enjoy it.

Every time you sit down to hammer out an email you spent an age thinking about what to write.

Then you put together a draft or eight that you’re not happy with.

Then you say “I’ll come back to it tomorrow.”

And when you DO come back to it tomorrow, you get frustrated with your lack of progress and end up sending out something that sucks and doesn’t work very well.

You’re not making the sales that you want, you’re not winning those affiliate contests. You can’t even get somebody to hit reply most of the time!

Email marketing – for the great majority of online service professionals – is the greatest wasted opportunity of all.

But there IS an alternative.

The Alternative To Difficult and Ineffective Email Marketing

If email isn’t getting you the results that you want, then it’s time to make a change. The good news is that change is only a couple of new habits away.

If you write marketing and sales emails and you want to write them better, with less friction, more fun and measurably better results (clicks, attention, open rates, SALES) then learning how to write truly Delightful Emails will save your sanity and equip you with a skill that will put dollars in the bank for the rest of your professional life.

Internalize these three incredibly powerful truths to make the entire process of email marketing more delightful for you and for your readers and see how quickly things change.

 TRUTH #1:
REAL “VALUE” IS IN SHOWING UP, NOT “PROVIDING VALUE” 

You’ve probably been told that your emails need to be “valuable”.

For which you may have understood “actionable”.

Actionable, of course, means that you impart KNOWLEDGE that can be APPLIED to a situation in your prospect’s life or business to solve a problem or provide a remedy.

Think: strategies, tips, resources, cheatsheets, downloads, tools and checklists.

Because you’re terrified to be ONLY providing actionable content, you try “only speak when you’ve got something worth saying”.

You feel obliged to stay on top of industry trends and to be endlessly creating new content so that you can point your readers towards it and they can TAKE ACTION on the new stuff that you’re perpetually making.

Which is exhausting, and for most of us, unsustainable.

Consequently, we get overwhelmed and hide. Instead of delivering “valuable, actionable content”, we deliver nothing at all.

Weeks go by where we don’t send anything at all, and then (crime of all crimes!) we start our email – when we finally get round to sending it – by saying “sorry for the radio silence.”

You can fix this by immediately and dramatically recalibrating your measure of “value”.

Take a moment to make a list of all the things in your life that are truly value-able.

The things that you cherish.

The things that you can’t live without.

The things you would rescue from a burning building.

Because that’s the TRUE measure of value.

Those love-letters, photographs, favorite records and keepsakes are almost certainly not checklists or pdfs or instruction manuals or strategy guides.

Instead they’re objects that elicit an emotional response.

They are things – objects, memories, experiences – that make us FEEL something.

Things that make us smile. Things that make us cry. Things that make us laugh. Things that make us THINK.

When you internalize that truth, everything will change for you when it comes to being confident of your “value” when sending emails.

It means, for example, that your “CTA” (call to action) doesn’t EVER need be “click here” or “sign up” or “register”. Instead, it can be “think about that” or “enjoy this story” or “you’re normal” or even “laugh at me”.

The VALUE that you get from a love-song or an action-movie or a stand-up comedian or listening to your favorite talk-radio host FAR outweighs the value that you get from any instruction manual.

And the value that you get from having meaningful RELATIONSHIPS with other people … well that’s probably the greatest value of all.

Which brings us to Truth Number 2 …

 TRUTH #2:
YOUR “LIST” WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU 

If somebody gives you their number and says “call me”, it’s a good sign that they want some kind of a relationship with you. So you call them.

If your mother says “send me photos of the kids” she’s not expecting anything less than four good pics a day and, ideally, a video or two. So you comply.

But when somebody signs up for your email list, and explicitly says “send me emails”, you poop the bed.

They say:

“WRITE TO ME!”

But you hear:

“If you feel like writing to me – at MOST once a month – and as long as your email doesn’t have too much personality or contain any typos, then I might, perhaps, if I’m in the mood, humor you by reading it from behind half-closed eyes with my nose all scrunched up in distaste. But you’re on a warning already: you’re only a hair’s breadth away from being blacklisted forever, so don’t mess it up.”

It’s really unfathomable: they tell you clearly that they want something and you convince yourself that they’re lying.

Which is not only really weird but also (you may be pleased to hear) incredibly common.

It’s called email reluctance.

• If you’ve ever felt tightness in your chest before you hit send, you suffer from email reluctance.
• If you’ve ever said “my list don’t want to hear from me that often” – like they have a collective nervous system and function as a chimeric whole – then you suffer from email reluctance.
• If you’ve ever started to write an email but then convinced yourself that nobody wants to hear what you’ve got to say then you’ve got email reluctance.

Email reluctance doesn’t afflict everybody but it’s as real as sales call reluctance (which, statistically, you definitely suffer from).

The good news, though, is that it’s totally fixable. It just requires a mental reframe.

You are NOT “emailing your list” for a start.

That’s a transactional and ugly way of putting it.

Your list is NOT a collective body that compare notes on how eloquent or erudite you are in your missives.

Instead, your list is a non-connected group of individuals, each with their own reading habits, work habits and bathroom habits who have raised their hand and, one at a time, said “I need your help, please help me.”

Every time you drop them a line, providing that you treat them with love and respect and don’t insult their intelligence, you’re fulfilling your side of the contract. The contract looks like this:

1. They give you their contact details because they WANT you to stay in touch with them.
2. You stay in touch with them.
3. They will allow you to make sales offers to them.

If you deliberately refrain from helping them out when they need it, that’s willful neglect.

(And it’s not too smart from a business development point of view, either.)

Emails should primarily educate, entertain and sell.

Which is GREAT, because everybody loves learning stuff, laughing at stuff and buying stuff.

We gorge on podcasts, we binge on Netflix and we never stop looking for new and exciting ways to spend our money.

If your emails educate, entertain and sell, then your correspondents will be delighted to hear from you, just as you’re delighted to tune into the same podcast each week and the same radio show each morning.

You don’t say “this show would be so much better if it was less frequent.”

Instead, you’re excited for the next installment.

Just like YOUR pen-pals are excited for YOUR next email.

So write them something delightful.

But what are you going to write to them?

Let’s talk about that.

 TRUTH #3:
IT’S EASY TO WRITE AN EMAIL 

“What if it wasn’t true?” is one of my favorite maxims to live by.

I first discovered it with webinars. Frustrated by the regular webinar experience: inconvenient time of day, 2 hours long, first 30 minutes being pre-amble, last 45 minutes being hard pitch …

I found myself resistant to delivering webinars.

I just didn’t see myself as somebody who could – in good faith – subject my prospects to the same experience that I had every single time I registered for an online presentation.

I brought it up with my coach at the time.

I said “I’m just not a webinar person.”

My coach dug a bit deeper and asked why not.

“Because they suck,” I said.

“Right,” she said. “And what if that wasn’t true?“

• What if they weren’t at an inconvenient time of day?
• What if they didn’t last two hours?
• What if you jumped straight to the meat and avoided all the warm-up?
• What if there was no hard sell?

“What if you delivered your sales presentations online the same way that you delivered your sales presentations in person?”

And … BOOM.

I saw the light!

Just because other people do something one way … just because most people do something one way … doesn’t mean that YOU have to do it like that.

(My webinars now kick ass, by the way. They’re fun and quick and highly effective.)

Which brings us back to emails.

Do YOU know how to write an EFFECTIVE email?

OF COURSE YOU DO.

Since you first sat down at a computer to compose your very first email on your Yahoo or Hotmail or AOL account, you have successfully communicated, and negotiated, and bought and sold and corresponded with other people.

Writing emails is SECOND NATURE to you.

You’ve been doing it for YEARS. You probably spend hours every day inside of your email account, successfully and effectively making business happen with other people who you know and who you don’t know without thinking about it for even a second.

But email marketing looks and feels different.

For example, you use a different interface – your MailChimp or Aweber or Drip or Convertkit or ActiveCampaign or Infusionsoft account – instead of your Gmail account.

You are writing to lots of people at once, instead of to just one person.

You don’t know these people, probably, and you’re curious (possibly afraid) of how they’re going to judge you.

You spend hours fretting over subject lines and calls-to-action and opening paragraphs because you’re obsessing over open rates and click-through rates and deliverability.

And so you forget that you know – PERFECTLY WELL – how to write a serviceable email.

Consequently the act of email marketing (as opposed to “writing an email”) becomes stressful and ineffective.

So what if that wasn’t true?

Because it doesn’t have to be.

The Anatomy Of An Effective Email

An effective email, whether you’re writing it to one person or to 20,000 people, communicates something that you want to communicate.

It’s made up of a greeting (A):

“Hello”

an ask, or a call-to-action, or a conclusion of some type (C):

“Click here to find out more”

and some context (B):

“I’m holding a small group workshop on how to manage your business finances. You’ll learn how to keep more of the money that you earn.”

Put them in the right order, add a subject line and you’ve got a perfectly effective, straightforward and very, very simple to write email:

SUBJECT: Class about finances

(A) Hello!

(B) I’m holding a small group workshop on how to manage your business finances. You’ll learn how to keep more of the money that you earn.

(C) Click here to find out more

Thanks!

Matthew

You do NOT need to use all caps.

You do NOT need to “study copywriting”.

You do NOT need to sweat blood.

You just need to KNOW that writing an email is EASY, and that you already do it MULTIPLE times a day.

But effective is only HALF the battle.

You’ve got to make them DELIGHTFUL if they’re going to KEEP opening!

And that’s where this course comes in.

Delightful Emails™

A Course On Better Email Marketing From Matthew Kimberley

If we don’t know each other yet, then hi!

I’m Matthew Kimberley.

I do some things quite well, many things very badly, and one thing exceptionally well: emails.

I generated over half a million in revenue from just one small email membership program, called The Single Malt Mastermind.

When members joined, they’d get an email from me each week.

That was the entire offer.

I’m not revealing any trade-secrets when I say that the program was a 54-part email autoresponder sequence, dripped out over one year (and written over four years ago).

I love email so much that I’ve been teaching it – albeit accidentally – for a long time.

In the early days of the Book Yourself Solid™ School of Coach Training, I had this party trick I used to do at our workshops.

I’d write an email in real time, on the fly, using random words thrown at me by the audience.

And while my audience was impressed at how quickly I could piece an email together …

… they were gobsmacked at how quickly THEY were able to do exactly the same thing with just a little instruction.

It’s such an important skill I committed to giving it to more people.

In 2016, I ran a one-off, 90 minute masterclass on crafting truly delightful emails, the kind of emails that STAND OUT in your inbox, the kind of emails that your correspondents ACTIVELY look forward to receiving, the kind of emails that get people to spontaneously write back to you, and buy your offer, over and over again.

The participants LOVED it, and begged for more.

So since then, I’ve delivered extended versions of it in workshops, both for my own clients and at the invitation of some of my friends.

• Todd Herman’s Basecamp clients got a private in-person email seminar from me in New York in January 2018. Todd is the author of the hyper-bestselling Alter Ego Effect.
• Dale Beaumont’s Business Blueprint clients got a private in-person email seminar from me in Sydney in November 2017. Dale runs the largest business training company in Australia.
• Taki Moore’s BlackBelt clients got a private in-person email seminar from me in Los Angeles in July 2016, (and again in March 2019). Taki is the author of Million Dollar Coach and helped 100+ business coaches get to seven figures in 2018.
• Chris Ducker’s Private Mastermind clients got me up-close and in-person in San Diego
• Clint Salter’s Dance Studio Owners’ Association had me deliver a workshop for them as well, because it works for brick-and-mortar businesses just as well as it works for online businesses and service businesses.

In summer 2018 I delivered a 9-hour over 3 weeks online masterclass, at considerable investment, to an initial cohort of 60 people.

Feedback was off the charts. They loved it.

So I improved it, added resources and got one of the world’s leading instructional designers to put together workbooks and learning guides.

This course is now available for you to take, apply, and be a more confident and entertaining and effective email marketer by tomorrow.

It doesn’t matter whether you teach sales or sell tails. It doesn’t matter if you’re an accountant, a glass-blower, a life-coach or a software developer. Delightful Emails will upgrade YOUR experience YOUR READER’S experience from “meh” to “HELL YEAH!”

 Plus! Finally Revealed! The Secret To An Effortless Six-Pack, 4% Body Fat, Enough Stamina For Sex 8 Times A Day, Perpetual Motion And Immortality! 

Just kidding, obviously.

But it does bring up a critical point.

So many smart, creative and funny individuals turn into psychopaths when it comes to writing marketing and sales emails.

• They put on their “basic copywriting bitch” face and proactively insult the intelligence of their readers.
• They write like fourth-graders because they heard that “readability” is paramount.
• They scream scarcity and urgency until they’re red in the face and get downright dishonest with their incentives and explanations (“server down!”, “deadline extended!”, “you can’t afford to NOT do it!”)

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can write AUTHENTIC and EFFECTIVE sales and marketing emails that DELIGHT your readers, make them smile, and make them buy your stuff.

Here’s what you get in Delightful Emails, a multimedia instructional course that can be completed inside of 9 hours:

By the end of this program you will have achieved lifetime mastery of delightful email creation.

That skill alone will serve to line your pockets and stroke your ego for the rest of your professional life. You will NEVER again be stuck for “what to write” or “how to write” and you will have a deeper bond with – and stronger attraction from – your target market, who will respond like never before to your emails.

So I’d like to make you an offer. Become a Delightful Emails Writer TODAY and get:

• Lifetime access to Delightful Emails and any and all updates. This includes video, audio and workbooks. There is about 9 hours of total taught content, broken up into manageable 10-20 minute lessons.

Value: $997. Which is pretty generous for mastery of email marketing, I’m sure you’ll agree.

PLUS: BONUS! “QUICK AND DIRTY SIX FIGURES FROM A LOW-PRICED INFORMATION PRODUCT”!

Come behind the scenes with me on how I created and sold this very program, the first time round. Find out how it was conceived and what the labor looked like.

Get ALL the swipe copy and ALL the numbers (I don’t hide anything) and find out how I generated six figures with a tiny list … and how you can do the same.

TODAY’S OFFER

To set you up for delightful email success I’m thrilled to offer you:

• DELIGHTFUL EMAILS – FULL PROGRAM (value $997)
• QUICK AND DIRTY SIX FIGURES FROM A LOW-PRICED INFORMATION PRODUCT (value $197)

TOTAL VALUE: $1,194.00

YOUR OFFER: EVERYTHING FOR ONLY $498.50 (not a typo)

Your Guarantee

Do the program. It won’t take you a week to complete, and that’s if you go really, really slow. Send out four emails with your new-found superpowers within the next thirty days. If the entire process isn’t more delightful for you AND your subscribers, let me know. I’ll give you EVERY. CENT. BACK.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I sell saunas/coaching/software (or anything else). Is it going to be right for me in my situation?

A: That’s a smart question. Probably the only one that matters. The answer is an unequivocal yes. What’s more, it doesn’t matter if you’re in B2B, B2C or B2Anything, the program is “buyer-agnostic.” Simply put, there’s a difference between emails that your readers want to open and emails that your readers will never open. Your industry is irrelevant.

Q: OK, so I’m going to be able to write emails delightfully, I get it. But how will I know what to write ABOUT? Coming up with an idea, or a hook, is the toughest part of this gig.

A: I am SO GLAD that you mentioned this.

Delightful Emails is split up into roughly three sections. The first part is all to do with your VOICE: how to sound more interesting, how to inject character and personality into every single email, how to really REFINE your personal brand identity so that you’re unmistakably YOU and maddeningly attractive.

The second part is 100% about CONTENT IDEA GENERATION. And let me tell you, it’s GOLD.

You’ll master (in record time, because it’s super simple) a few proprietary idea generation methods that I’ve created. Namely The Alphabet Method, The Fractal Method and The Library Method which you will use to generate unlimited, solid content ideas (which we call Creative Prompts and Subject Matter Prompts) for the rest of your life. No special knowledge required.

In fact, you’ll never have to “learn” any more expertise for the rest of your career just to stay on top of trends or to remain relevant. This stuff is timeless.

Those appear in modules four and five. Here’s what Keith, a Delightful Email Writer, had to say about them:

“Modules Four and Five are beyond eye-opening.

Hell, I’ve subscribed to [REDACTED] for years, read every $97 issue [of his program] and bought every damn thickly-printed volume the boy printed, and I did not understand why I was struggling with email – or how to solve it – until your course.”

Here’s what another member, Stephen, said:

“Worked through the videos and bashed out two Alphabets in about 30 minutes, including set-up time. With a bit more work I can see how this is two, year-long email sequences: different central topics, different markets. THANK YOU.”

And another, from Chris:

“I was pretty skeptical about the Alphabet method, but forced an attempt and (lo and behold) ended up with well over 100 Creative Prompts!”

The final part of the course is about turning ideas into emails quickly and delightfully … more on that another time, you know, if the question comes up.

Q. I don’t have time to learn to do another thing. My hard-drive is full of stuff I haven’t done.

A. That’s not a question. But if it was, I’d say: right!

That’s precisely why Delightful Emails is designed as it is: very short videos. Very simple concepts. Very easy to execute. The services of a world-class instructional designer were brought on to make it difficult to FAIL with this program. Results are guaranteed and quick: the next email you write will get better results than you’re getting today. The Facebook group is full of success stories. You’ll get access to that, as well. Which if you’re a keen procrastinator will be right up your street 😉

Q. What’s the financial ROI I can expect?

A. We all love money.

It buys you ice cream, vacations and peace of mind. It gives you a cushion, the possibility for future mischief and the flexibility to say “yes” when adventure presents itself or plans go awry.

As somebody who sells things, you understand that your buyers will make decisions based upon a few very important criteria, which vary slightly according to which school of thought you subscribe to.

So you make sure that when you make your offers you include those criteria according to your own school of thought.

The Internet Marketer School of Thought says that:

“People will buy things that help them get rich, get ripped and get laid.”

– which speaks for itself. More money, six pack abs and a waiting-list of bedtime companions is a difficult list of offers to ignore.

The Business School School of Thought talks about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Abraham Maslow was a psychology professor who wrote an academic paper back in the 1940s in which he hypothesized that human beings have a ladder of needs, that begin with shelter and food, graduate through optimizing self-esteem and end in “self-actualization”.

Whatever the funk that is.

It’s most frequently cited by people who write articles for LinkedIn, new life coaches and other people who have never sold anything in their life.

The Derivative Motivational Speaker School of Thought says that:

“People will do business with, and refer business to, people who they know, like and trust.”

– which was originally penned by Bob Burg in his excellent book Endless Referrals.

You’ve probably heard it at one of the multi-speaker events you’ve been to, almost certainly dished out by a derivative motivational speaker without any credit to Bob.

It’s true, of course. When people know you, like you and trust you they’ll buy from you more readily. I have a tiny list of people who LOVE to buy my stuff. I blame Delightful Emails for that, naturally. It’s not like I’m going to lots of events here on this tiny Mediterranean island.

But here’s the lens through which I want you to assess Delightful Emails (the Common Sense School of Thought):

Because I am primarily a business advisor, look at this through a business-related lens.

Yes, Delightful Emails will reduce your stress, evidently, which of course will make you more productive (in the sense that you will do more business and therefore make more money.)

But don’t look at stress, or “knowledge” or skills-acquisition when you’re looking at your return on investment for Delightful Emails. Instead ask yourself this question:

Will Delightful Emails either MAKE you or SAVE you money (or both)?

If that answer is yes, your choice becomes clear.

So if Delightful Emails provided you with a paint-by-numbers approach to crafting enjoyable and entertaining emails to your list, with close to no learning curve, and you make more frequent sales offers to people who love to hear from you that are injected with personality and wit AND you don’t have to go back to school or ever worry about “what to write” so that your entire sales strategy is mapped out for the rest of the year and the years that follow …

… AND if the investment was at a price that you could make a return in the acquisition of less than one new client …

… AND you could get started today and implement by tomorrow …

Then you probably should, right?

That’s the logical thing to do.

If you’ve got a list of more than 100 people (or plan on having one in the future) AND you have something to sell them, then Delightful Emails makes financial sense to you.

And let’s say you’re only partially successful at implementing Delightful Emails, and you skip the instruction on improving your VOICE (how you sound when you write), but you DO improve:

1. your ability to write an email quickly and easily and
2. your ability to generate endless content ideas.

Then you’ve just super-charged your marketing and sales department, because it (you) will become more efficient and more prolific in making delightful sales offers.

Which means more sales. Which means an ROI, very rapidly. Of course, I do NOT promise this. I’d be legally DUMB and irresponsible to say YOU WILL MAKE MONEY WITH THIS PROGRAM. You might make NOTHING. You may achieve NO results. (My lawyers told me to say this).

So that’s just one of the reasons you’ve got a cast-iron guarantee to mitigate all of your risk and eliminate any shreds of doubt.

Q. Do you have any testimonials?

A. Sure. See below.

TODAY’S OFFER

To set you up for delightful email success in your business I’m thrilled to offer you:

• DELIGHTFUL EMAILS – FULL PROGRAM (value $997)
• QUICK AND DIRTY SIX FIGURES FROM A LOW-PRICED INFORMATION PRODUCT (value $197)

TOTAL VALUE: $1,194.00

YOUR OFFER: EVERYTHING FOR ONLY $498.50 (not a typo)